Spears in my heart 2012
How I longed for your warmth
for a kind welcome when I arrived
But you were grey, a hatred in your eyes and uneasiness
which always rocked me into a frightened rabbit
which had been dormant within my soul memory.
You claimed all space as yours or so it felt
I was not welcome, not for one day a week.
For you I was all your female wound amalgamated
it seemed for all lifetimes, and an eruption was bubbling.
Fury, revenge splurged out
so intense my nervous system felt shaken.
For months I had tried to touch your heart
with acts of love,so that you could feel love
always driven by a dream in which He appeared.
This space was to be my escape, my space of solitude
of silent contemplation
but there was no room at the inn
for someone like me buried deep her own wounds and age.
I was not what you desired, and you were full of desires
distractions to lift you from pain.
What sort of sacrifice was I to be then?
It seems through some time tunnel we travelled
to the root of a wound long forgotten.
I was ecstatic as light poured through my hands,
you were thunderous
blood spurting from your leg .
The healing radical,at the root for you.
Simultaneously we saw the story of eons gone,
betrayal by the feminine, death.
Your mind created the ultimate rejection
saw me as the murderer, but this was never the case
I Am from other realms, still hiding it is true
Here to heal these patterns bound in time
for all who cross my path.
I am no murderer, no betrayer of love.
My weakness was my need to be seen.
And the opposite I received, my undoing
and this was was His play.
This is my suffering, the death necessary.
for who was the one wanting to be seen?
To be love with no need is compassion indeed
and a fire most painful to sit in.
Like the bubbling lava of a volcano,
your fury erupted,vomiting at me your pain.
I sat frozen, a frightened rabbit in headlights.
I knew this feeling of terror, this fear
A knot in my stomach like a dead child
a split second in time where I had lost myself.
I timed you from the start
45 minutes later your steam was out
I cared not
My voice was not mine, it mocked you
so deeply as to silence you
I cared not
there was nothing left now
not even what you imagined I was
not even what I imagined it was
not even an old woman
needing confirmation she was loveable
lived from this moment
Alive and dying
I knew this now
I could not touch you
I could not reach you
For all of this is only ever God's business
Even although I had entered your suffering
and sat there with you in the root of the wound
it was a joint purification to death.
Both coins,
I was the sacrificial lamb
I saw it now
this was my necessary undoing
your necessary healing
'the power of perfect vulnerability'
dying inside out
invisible to see
this was my gift in the flicking of the coin
the final seeing of a pattern deep.
This was the moment of ending
the death of myself
so profound, no one has noticed
all talk to me as before, as if I am the same.
There is nothing to say from now
Only He knows the Truth
Still He calls me to stand as love
this is to be my trial
to feel all suffering
receive projections of what I am
and sit within His working of all these patterns untrue.
In this place where love has not taken hold yet
able to witness now …but from another place entirely.
Afterplay...
Years later we sat chanting
a sacred moment
You pulled all the music
to your side
leaving me blind.
This was the male energy,
I laughed uncontrollably
you laughed on seeing;
together laughing,
all singing abandoned in pure light
He was laughing with us
all was washed
all was purified
all was new
all was finished
the madness was over
the coin had been flipped
There is only love and that has no needs.
